Agape mornings

It’s my day off.

I’m laying in bed, alone, slowly and casually shaking off the lingering dust of sleep and making my way toward full consciousness. I’m in no hurry to get up. Other days require swifter action and demand immediate attention. But this isn’t one of those days. Today is made for relaxation, for recharging the batteries.

As I lay there, I hear the soft sounds of little feet on the carpet. Through the bedroom door strolls my 8-year old daughter, still in her pajamas. She’s here for one reason and one reason only. She wants to be close to her Daddy. And she knows from experience that this is one of the best times to snuggle. She knows I’m going to take my time getting out of bed.

She crawls up onto the bed and curls up next to me, her head under my arm. I don’t say anything because I’m really self-conscious about morning breath and I don’t want her to run out of the room. For a moment, no words are spoken. We just lay there together, snuggled up in tender and perfect connection.

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What my life has in common with a children’s book

“I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have…” – Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close 

I miss my son.

He hasn’t gone anywhere. Still lives in my house. Still sleeps in the bedroom right next to mine. Probably spend more time with him than I ever have.

But I miss my son.

When he was younger, we used to read in his bed at night. He would pick out a book and we would go through it together. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein became an early favorite. Over time, we laughed and followed along with wonder and amusement as we read the exploits of Junie B. JonesSkippyjon JonesJudy Moody, and that wimpy kid, Greg Hefley. After the reading, we would “snuggle” and oftentimes I would fall asleep. Some nights I would just stay there until morning. I might wake at some point in the night to the sound of his breathing, see the profile of his face in the shadows of the room, watch his chest move up and down in rhythm with his heartbeat. There’s something about watching your child while they’re sleeping that quiets the soul. But we don’t read anymore before bed. When he lays down for the night, he has his headphones in or he’s reading a sports magazine. He’s too big to lay down with. He’s all legs and noises and weird smells. I go in to tell him good night and that I love him, and sometimes I kiss him on the top of the head. And that’s that.

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Little wonders

This morning after my workout, I went to grab a towel for the shower. There were only two in the cabinet, so I took the one that looked the most fluffy and absorbent and jumped under the refreshing waterfall. When I finished, I reached for the towel and unfolded it.

It had two pink bunnies with cotton tails on it and a pink border.

All of this was on the side that was concealed by the fold. Normally, I’m pretty good at avoiding the towels that are specifically for my eight-year old daughter. They’re typically shorter and therefore aren’t as desirable for adults to use. That and the ladybugs, frills, and soft pink borders.  But since it was really early and it was folded like it was, I didn’t detect that it was a child’s towel until it was too late. So there I was, a grown man, drying off with a towel with pink bunnies, complete with fluffy cotton tails and a girly pink edge.

I had to laugh at myself.

Then I started thinking about a day when there wouldn’t be any more bunny towels in the closet for me to mistakenly grab. Those towels will be replaced by bigger, fluffier, and more grown-up towels. And the amount of make-up, and hair product, and other girl-type things in the bathroom will double in size. Little girls transform into big girls, and then young ladies, and then women. It all happens rather quickly, like that two-minute movie sequence that skips ahead in the life of a person. If you don’t really pay attention for those two minutes, you can miss it all and end up wondering how in the world they grew up so fast.

These reminders are everywhere. I’m the primary dishes-doer in our home. I enjoy doing it, actually. When I was growing up, we didn’t have a functioning dishwasher, so my siblings and I had to wash every dish by hand. Comparatively speaking, rinsing off some dishes and stacking them in the dishwasher is a breeze. So in my home, when there are dirty dishes in the sink, I step into a phone booth and emerge as Dishes Daddy, a hero who vanquishes all manner of greasy plates, messy cups, dirty utensils, and used water bottles. Not the hero the kitchen needs, but the hero it deserves.  I even have my own logo.

What I’ve noticed over the years is the diminishing amount of little cups in the top rack. A few years ago, it was dominated by bottles, then sippy cups. Now the amount of kid-size cups is just a small percentage of the total. Soon, there won’t be any at all. If you could attach one of those time-lapse cameras over the top of the dishwasher, you could literally watch your children grow up as the cups change in size over time. Bottles grow up into sippy cups, sippy cups age into kid cups, and kid cups mature into regular-sized cups.

Same is true with the closet. Right now, if I go to the laundry room, there’s still a chance that what I would find to hang my shirts and pants on will be little hangers. This could be frustrating, like reaching for a real towel and ending up holding a fluffy bunny one. After all, it’s not real easy to hang my clothes on such small hangers. Doesn’t really work that well. But just like the cups, the little hangers in the closet are gradually fading, giving way to their larger versions.

So I’m grateful I reached for the wrong towel this morning. It was a small, but significant gift. A reassurance that there is still a little one underfoot in my house. Even as my oldest is fully embracing adolescence physically and emotionally, my youngest still lives in the world of dolls and over-sized stuffed puppies, and tinker toys and uno cards and innocent, whimsical, wonderful things. She still drinks out of little cups, her little clothes still hang on little hangers, her towels are still covered with ladybugs and bunnies with cotton tails and soft, pink borders.

The towel was a gentle reminder to wrap myself in the moments of my children’s lives, to live in those moments with them. To be grateful and not annoyed. To be appreciative and not frustrated. To not be so distracted, or unaware, or so busy that these precious days go unnoticed.

Like a pair of pink bunnies hidden under the fold of a towel.

“Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these little wonders still remain.” – Rob Thomas

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